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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.



Dear Mrs. Samuel,



Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.



3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,

'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the

children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying

and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.



9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.



11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.



12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'





And last, but not least:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,

then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the

clerks passed out.

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

COMMENTS

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xRobin3x
02:33 Nov 27 2009

LOL..... i do see the true humur but dang what a complex the kid has now.

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HAWK2K
07:25 Nov 27 2009

Ooooo... that's cold!



LOL

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POST COMMENT

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he

glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon

realized

she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she

took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he

blurted

out, "Business trip or pleasure?"



She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual

Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "



He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen

sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.



Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your

business role at this convention?"



"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my

personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about

sexuality."



"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"



"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are

the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American

Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.



Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually

it is men of Mexican descent who are the best.



I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is

the Southern Redneck."



Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm

sorry,"

she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I

don't

even know your name."



"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."

COMMENTS

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Sinora
09:25 Nov 12 2009

Lmao

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HAWK2K
22:51 Nov 12 2009

LOL



Too funny!!!!!!!!!



:D

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POST COMMENT

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years...

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."







Another Double Scotch!

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.

After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."